Journal Entry #10: FINALLY

December 1^st, 2024. 5:22 PM.

FINAL Confidence in my career/choice of major: 100%! Just kidding it’s like 70% still

FINAL song stuck in my head: Love Like You by Rebecca Sugar

    Distilling my thoughts about this class and what I’ve learned into one neat little journal entry is a little bit of a daunting task for someone who can hardly remember what they ate for breakfast this morning.

                 I believe the most valuable thing I gained by participating in this class is a better understanding of the touring process, as well as better understanding of the kind of work I'd think I'd like to do in theatre. 

                Touring seems like a very, very valuable experience, as it's a great way to learn as you work. It does seem like "trial by fire," but if I can survive touring, I can survive anything, right? Working in a plethora of theatres, all with unique advantages and challenges would  different spaces would allow for unique challenges to overcome, and I'm sure my ability to collaborate with others would improve. Plus, getting paid to travel around the country (and perhaps beyond) would be a perk, especially for someone who'd hardly left Ohio.

                While there is the potential for touring to be a lot of fun, it also sounds exhausting. I am concerned that the long, inconsistent hours and sleeping arrangements would be tough for me. Perhaps I would be too exhausted to care, but I can imagine myself getting burnt out very quickly. Additionally, if something goes wrong (like it did in A Beautiful Noise), there isn't really much time to correct your mistakes. You move from place to place so quickly the the first impression you make is often your last. As someone who doesn't handle disappointing others well, that might be hard for me to deal with. But maybe I can just think about whatever my role in the production is.

                After two and a half years as a tech and design student, and attending these load-ins for Broadway touring productions, I think I can safely say that "design" is more my speed, rather than "tech." I always feel like I am behind when it comes to technical knowledge, and that thought has only been reinforced by this class. There are so many technical terms that theatre professionals use so casually, and I know everyone says to ask questions, but if everyone else understands I am NOT singling myself out. The artistic side of theatre just comes more naturally to me. I understand that it is important to expand your horizons and work where you are weakest to become a well-rounded individual. But my comfort zone is just so comfortable!

                I felt similarly whenever we had guest speakers. They seemed to have a wealth of knowledge that, logically, I know I'm perfectly capable of achieving. However, it's hard to not feel like I'm behind, and I won't be able to catch up. It is for these reasons that I feel like I would not excel as a production manager. Production managers need to be confident in their decisions, quick on the uptake, and able to handle many different things at once. I am afraid I would crumble under that pressure. However, once I'm older, I might do well in less intense administrative roles. I'm detail-oriented and good at conflict resolution. However, I might feel unfulfilled when I'm not actively contributing to the creative process. But only time will tell.

                My final confidence in my future career is 70%. I think this class helped me think more realistically about my future in theatre, both positively and negatively. I believe I am entirely capable of being decent at anything I decide to do, at least in regard to my skills. It is the connections required and the work culture that concern me. The impression I got from all the people who spoke to us is that a sizeable chunk of a person's success in this industry is due to who they know. Making connections is not that easy for me, due to social anxiety. I have been described as "awkward." I do not wish to be this way, but in my experience, there are certain fundamental aspects about yourself you can not change. No matter how much you'd like to. I'm sure I can improve my skills. I just worry that my anxiety will never truly go away, and every interaction I have with other people in the industry will case me as much stress as it does now. I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

                Now I'd like to share a couple thoughts I have about this class. This is just for you, Cam. Because this is MY journal entry, and you are my captive audience.

                Listen. Listen. I am very thankful for all the wonderful, kind, and knowledgeable people who so generously gave their time to speak to us. They are a very valuable resource and I am grateful to have met them. However. I need to find ways to sit through an uninterrupted 3+ hour long talk because I was absolutely losing my marbles. I know I have a short attention span, and I know I have trouble sitting still. But my god, some of those classes were such a challenge for me. I am built to work and creatively problem solve, not sit quietly in a room for hours on end.

                I feel just terrible about it, I really do. I worry that I came across as bored or even disrespectful. I was genuinely interested in the things our guest speakers had to say! But at the end of a long week when I'm tired and due to my class schedule I haven't eaten in hours, the last thing I want to do is sit quietly and listen to a long talk. I understand why this class had to be set up the way it was, but I really think it would've benefitted from being broken up into smaller chunks. I think many of my classmates felt the same way. I'm not sure if that's feasible, but I just thought I'd let you know.

                I want to talk about the journal entries. Can I talk about the journal entries? I'm going to talk about the journal entries.

                Somehow, these assignments had too many prompts, but were vague at the same time. There is nothing I hate more than repeating myself, and I've felt like that's all I've been doing in these entries. Sometimes, I just don't have anything insightful to say. And when that happens, the idea of writing a journal entry makes me want to rip my hair out. And who wants to listen to me talk about these things? I certainly don't! I don't want you to have to read my rambling thoughts, and yet here we are. 

                In theory, I think the journal entries are a good way to track a student's thoughts and progress through the semester. However, I think they just need more structure. A word count, a more concise prompt, perhaps even an example entry to base ours off of. I understand that you wanted us to express ourselves in whatever way we felt was best. But telling us to "synthesize everything in a creative way?" What? What does that mean? Whether or not you intended it, that sentence brought me so much stress. How do synthesize my thoughts creatively when I have no thoughts?????? How do I be creative on command????? What? What? What?

                Also, some variety in the assignments would be nice. Maybe for future classess, you could have the students take a show, consider its technical requirements, and make a mock rider for it if it went on tour. Or perhaps if they're given a rider, they could propose a plan for the most efficient way to load it into a space. Or like, a worksheet. One worksheet. That's all I'm asking for.

                Thank you for organizing this class. It was incredibly interesting and insightful. I thoroughly enjoyed observing the process of presenting a touring show. I only wish I could have shadowed someone on the wardrobe crew! 

                

       

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